Archive for January 17, 2012

I’m in love with Judas

Posted in Uncategorized on January 17, 2012 by Sara Hammerzmith

Yeah that’s kinda what it feels like.

A few days ago I rediscovered my biggest childhood love, and it have made me think. Alot. And when I say alot, I mean alot.  He knocked me off pretty hard, and I have never been sleepless during the nights like I am right now. And no, I’m not thinking about him per se, but it made me realize some things.

Like for instance, I thought for a while that I was incapable to you know REALLY love. What does that even come from? Not quite sure actually, maybe it’s the rejections that have come over the years, or the manipulation from my ex boyfriend. I feel home in songs like “Moonshine” and squirms when I hear “Dance D’Amour”. My ex asked me the other day if I missed him… and the sad part is, I couldn’t say that I did. The only thing I could say to him was a smiling smiley. Because I can’t lie, okay, lets put that straight.  I can’t say I miss you if I really don’t, as well as I can’t say I love if I really don’t.

What my Childhood love, let’s call him C made me realize is that I ain’t unable to feel love. Whenever C disappeared, I missed him, and felt like home when he was back. How is it possible, that I miss C, but not my ex? (Don’t push up the ‘he is your ex’ to me, because calling him ex is easier than telling the entire story, it’s a kind of on and off thing) C warms my heart a way my ex probably did in the beginning, but I don’t know anymore.

But he is either way gonna visit me here sometime soon, I think. He claims so. This will probably be the last chance he gets, but it’s okay. He can get that. I have hard finding guys I like, usually because it takes me so long to get “settled” with someone. Like with my horses, took an entire semester to trust Lady Axa.  We will see what happens.

It is at points like this, you need someone to talk to desperatly. Someone who can take their time, has the patience to listen and understand, to watch and read everything you send to them, to discuss the point of views someone who ain’t judgemental. When you find someone who do that, someone who can look through “You’re A Pirate” and “Thanks For The Memories” a dozen times without complaining, someone who helps you look for stuff concerning it and really sits down for HOURS to discuss it, that’s… revealing.  It’s kinda connected with the previous essay actually.

Leaving that openly, and hitting a brighter topic, me and Michelle realized today that if we married our C’s, we would;
*Michelle would be squeezed like a pancake during the act unless she was on top
*I’d have so much fun I’d probably die out of laughter.
And whenever anything happens, like Michelle brining the pizza, we would have to through a musical routine. All the time.

So… yes. That’s… that.

// Sara